


Trost State Behavioral Health

by MelancholicYuu



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, Lesbian, Past Lives, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-01 05:02:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13991025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelancholicYuu/pseuds/MelancholicYuu
Summary: Erin get admitted into Trost State for major depression and dealing with her sexuality.





	1. Unit One

Erin couldn’t believe she was here again. She had just been at this facility a few months ago. It was monotonous. The same people, the same nurses, and probably the same unit as well. She had in the Trost State Behavioural Health more than her fair share of times. It’s not that she isn’t trying to be happy with her life, it’s just that it’s so difficult to live with her demons. 

However, her reason for being here was different though. She came so close to buying a bottle of fentanyl in order to overdose. Erin had researched that overdosing on opiates, specifically heroin, was one of the least painful ways to dies. She was in so much paini living that she at least wanted to die in peace. 

Yet something stopped her. She has the money, she had a dealer, but something told her to call her therapist, And now she’s here.

“You will be placed in unit one until a bed opens up in unit two,” cut the voice.

Erin snapped out of her reverie and looked at her charge nurse. “What’s the difference between the two?” Erin inquired.

“Unit two is the Depression and Anxiety ward. Unit one is the Depression and Addiction unit. But don’t worry, “ The voice calmly said, “a bed should open up soon in Unit two.”

Erin was extremely nervous. If these people were coming off of drugs, who knows what they could do. Erin could deal with schizophrenics and anti-socials, but people who don’t get their drugs are truly frightening. 

When they reached the doors to Unit one, Erin almost hyperventilated. Almost.

She had learned to swallow her anxiety and not show anyone how she truly feels. And it is precisely that is why she revolves in and out of psych wards. Erin knows that it is good to talk to her friends and family about her problems, but how could she when they don’t understand. Her parents tried to give her “motivational speeches,” but all she wants is their love and support.

The sight before Erin was familiar. The unit looked the same as the unit she was previously in. Same tacky hospital couches, same archaic television, and same layout plan. However, the people were different. No one was pacing back and forth, nor was anyone rambling on about nonsensical things. They were all sitting down watching tv, as if it was a large family. Some laughed and joked, some read, and some just sat quietly watching. 

It was a little unnerving for Erin. She was expecting a full on Requiem for a Dream experience. But these people seemed. . . normal.

Erin snapped her attention back to her charge nurse.

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?” Erin whispered.

“You’re going to be in room 103B. Your bed is next to the window. Sit down in front of the main desk and Christa will file your paperwork. Any questions?” asked the charge nurse. 

“No ma’m,” Erin meekly replied.

At that response, the charge nurse left Erin at the front desk of unit two and dissapeared behind the double doors that led to the main hallway.

“Hi I’m Christa! I’m a CNA here at Trost State and I’ll be handling your paperwork. Please sit down,” Christa smiled. She was an overly enthusiastic lady that, to Erin, radiated sunshine. Erin did as she was told and sat down on the office chair.

They went through the usual routine: height and weight, any scars, hair and eyes (“Your eyes are such a beautiful green!”).

“You look nervous sweetheart. Come here,” Christa opened her arms and Erin gave her a hug. 

“It’ll be okay sweetie. This ward is not so bad.”

Erin stepped away from the embrace, and smiled a little bit.

“Smoke break!” came a voice from behind the counter. Erin flinched, but managed to find the courage to ask, “May I go out with them?”

“Of course sweetie,” Christa replied, “What brand of cigarettes are yours?”

“Marlboro reds. Short pack.”

Erin had picked up smoking when she was seventeen. She had quit many a time, but always came right back to it.

The rest of the night was a blur to Erin. The only thing she could remember was Christa waking her up at one am to take her medication and some sleep aids.

Erin didn’t wake up til around three o’clock in the afternoon. She lazed around a bit until her stomach growled in protest. So, she ventured outside her room in search of the snack bin. A-ha! It was on the front desk. Erin got a few packs of peanut butter crackers and started to devour them. 

A few people tried to start conversations with her, but Erin smiled politely and shook her head every time. She just wanted to be left alone.

Erin moved back to her room and began to write in the journal that Christa had given her the day before. Erin decided to do something new. She was going to write a story about two girls who meet on a dairy farm in nineteenth century England and fall in love.

Did I mention that Erin is a lesbian and that’s one of the main reasons why she was sent to Trost State? Now being gay wasn’t illegal in the south, but it was certainly frowned upon. Her mother would ignore Erin if she tried to bring it up to her, and her father would blatantly state that homosexuality is a choice and that the “heterosexual lifestyle is the best one.”

It certainly is the most common one, but to Erin it is extremely hard to like males. She’s been in two serious relationships with males (first Jean and then Armin), but she faked being happy. Erin loved them to pieces but it was not a romantic love. Even sex was a boring chore. Seeing a penis didn’t excite her, or arouse any feelings of lust. It didn’t matter if it was a “hot” guy that was after her, she just wasn’t attracted to males.

Her parents claim to be accepting of gay people, but when it’s their own child they freak out. Aren’t they supposed to be good christian people? Why would the do this to her?

Erin had to take deep breaths and count to ten in order to calm her mind. When those didn’t work, she stumbled her way to the Nurse’s station and asked for her Vistaril. It kind of works physically, but not mentally. ‘It’s better than nothing,’ thought Erin.

After another nurse gave her the Vistaril, Erin marched back to her room and layed down on the bed. She quickly fell asleep and drifted off into her dreams. Erin awoke at two thirty in the afternoon the next day. She stumbled out of her bed and headed to the nurse’s station to grab her shower box(and a couple more packs of peanut butter crackers). Erin went back to her room and undressed herself in front of the mirror in the bathroom.

Erin twirled around to get a good look at herself. Her stomach was pudgy and stuck out a bit, her butt was to small and her boobs to big. It was when her attention turned to her stomach that she realized she had stretch marks on the upper right corner of her belly. Erin cautiously ran a finger over the markds and stared at them in the mirror. Gods, she hated her body so much. Erin stopped her musings before they got into dangerous territory. She hopped in the shower and day-dreamed about the two milk maids.

Gertrude had just been employed by the only farmer in town, in order to support her family. She wasn’t conventionally ugly, nor was she alluring. She was an auburn red-head with pale skin that had flecks of freckles covering the bridge of her nose and cheeks. She wore her long hair in two braids that cascaded down her back and stopped just below her butt. Gertrude was taller than most girls with petite breasts and a medium sized bottum.

In the morning her mother had told her that today was going to be a special day. Oh if only she knew. 

Gertrude walked the twelve miles to the farm and by the time she got there it was nearing four in the afternoon. 

As Gertrude approached the stables where the cows were kept, she heard a small voice singing an old country song.

“One morning came to take me home down by blackwater side. And this young man he arose, and he gathered his clothes. He said farethee well today.”

Gertrude who had stood transfixed began to sing along, “Well that’s not the promise that you gave to me when first you lay on my bed.”

Gertrude didn’t even realize she had been moving until she stood face to face with the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. She had long brunette hair that reached to her waist, pale skin and the most beautiful steel-cut eyes. Gertrude knew in an instant that she had fallen in love.

“You’re being moved to unit two,” came a voice.

Erin blinked her eyes open. She didn’t even know when she had fallen asleep, nor when she had gotten out of the shower in the first place.

“Your things are already packed and on the cart. Let’s go,” the voice said again.

Erin moved slowly and finally got out of the bed. She stumbled behind the tech who had all of her belongings piled on top of the cart outside of her room.

The walk to the unit was silent. The tech tried to make small talk, but Erin shut her down with clipped responses. She didn’t feel like talking. 

The tech opened the double doors to unit two, and escorted Erin down to her new bed. The tech dropped of her stuff on the writing desk next to Erin’s bed. Without a word, the tech left Erin to her own devices. So, Erin egan to jot down everything she could remember from her dream. 

When she was done, she grabbed her meds from the Nurse at the medication window, chugged them down with water and then went straight to bed.


	2. Unit Two

_The beautiful woman, now dubbed Lucy, had shown her around the farm._

_She was a hard worker, with no room for mistakes. Gertrude had to live up to not only her boss’s expectations as a milk maid, but also Lucy’s._

_It was hard, grueling work, but Gertrude was never one to back down from a challenge. Seeing Lucy work hard only made Gertrude want to work that much harder._

_She got no praises, no pay raise, and no gratitude for her work. Yet she continued as if her life depended on it._

_The only day she had off was Sunday. Unlucky for her she had to attend service at a nearby Church of England. Gertrude was jewish._

_She didn’t look like what everyone thinks jews look like. She took after her mother._

_Her father was a hasidic jew who had been ostracized by the community for marrying her mother, a non-jew._

_As such, Gertrude had never met any of her father’s family, nor did her father talk about them._

_Since Gertrude could pass for a regular christian girl, that’s what she was taught to do. If people knew she was jewish people wouldn't hire her. So, she practiced in secret and went by the name her mother gave her._

_Her real name was Miriam, but due to the discrimination she would receive, she kept that name a secret._

_Gertrude still held on to the hope that one day her people will find acceptance._

_Before going to bed, she always recited a prayer that her father had taught her._

_However, this proved to be difficult since her and Lucy shared the same room._

_She had to make sure that Lucy was asleep before she could recite._

_Checking for the tenth time that Lucy was asleep, Gertrude sat down and prayed,_

_“Ribono shel Olam, hareyni mochel lechol mi shehich’is vehiknit oti, o shechata kenedgdi beyn begufi, beyn bemammoni, beyn bichvodi, beyn bechol asher li: beyn be’ones, beyn beratzon, beyn beshogeg, beyn bemezir: beyn bedbur, beyn bema’asey, bey bemarchashava, beyn behirhur: beyn bigilgul ze, beyn begilgul acher - lechol bar Israel, velo ye’anesh shum adma besibati. Yehi ratzon mifaneycha, Adonay Elohay Velchey Avotay, shelo echeta od, uma shechatati lefaneycha mechok berachameycha harabim, avai lo ai yedey yesurim vachalayim ra’im. Yih’yu leratzon imrey-fi vehegion libi lefaneycha, Adonay Tzuri veGo’ali.”_

_“That was beautiful,” came a soft voice, “ was that hebrew?”_

_Gertrude made an ungodly noise in surprise._

_“You heard me?” Gertrude asked hurriedly. She was beginning to panic. She knows now._

_The girl I have come to love knows. This is a disaster._

_“I hear you recite that prayer every night.” Lucy replied, “I’m not going to tell anyone. I am curious though.”_

_“About what?”_

_“What’s your real name?” Gertrude thought this over. Should she tell Lucy or not._

_“Miriam. My name is Miriam.” she replied._

_“Well Miriam, we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. Let’s get some sleep.”_

Erin shot up in her bed.

She rushed over to her drawing desk and wrote down as much as she could recall.

The prayer in hebrew was a hard to dictate word by word because Erin had only been to Synagogue once in her life.

Erin put on her shoes after she was done writing and stepped out of her room.

She wandered to the living area and looked at the clock.

11:30

Great. Erin had overslept again.

At least she wouldn’t miss lunch this time.

Her roommate, a lady named Mikasa, came up to her.

“You know, if you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here.” she said.

Erin nodded her thanks.

It was time for another cigarette break.

Erin waited in the line to grab a couple of her cigarettes from the lady in charge.

Her and a herd of others went outside to the picnic tables to smoke.

Erin sat next to a big burly man.

The conversation was lively at the table, and Erin sat back and listened.

The big burly man’s name was Reiner.

The person sitting across from Erin was named Bertholdt.

He was a tall, mousy man.

The person across from Reiner was Sasha.

Sasha had a snack in her hands and would eat, then smoke, then eat again.

Connie sat next to Reiner on the other side, and a boy named Jean sat next to him.

Being at the table was tolerable, until Jean spoke. Something about Jean just pissed her off for no reason.

After finishing both of her cigarettes, Erin moved back inside, grabbed an apple juice from the fridge, and returned to her room.

Mikasa was there and tried to engage Erin in conversation.

Yet Erin laid down and went back to sleep.

Eating could wait.

Erin was too tired to function properly.


End file.
